When Love Hurts: Finding Strength in Your Interracial Relationship

There is no getting around this fact—there will be times when we will feel very skeptical, cynical or bleak about our interracial long-term relationship. We will wonder why we committed to this person. We will feel as though we made a disastrous mistake in tying our life to someone from a different racial background. Those moments won’t necessarily last, but they are bound to come up – and when they do we need to be a lot, not a little, prepared. So here are some bits of kind consolation for the periods of agony and distress.

1. Everyone, when we really know (or think we know) them, turns out to be unbearable in some significant ways. There is no-one you could be in a relationship with who would not – at times – leave you feeling desperate. You too are complex and can be unbearable and it’s important for you to remember that. Racial differences may amplify these feelings, but they’re universal to all relationships.

2. Your sorrow and disappointment are very normal. Many people in interracial relationships are suffering in similar ways, and have done so in the past, and will do so again in the future. It’s miserable, but you are participating in the common experience of humanity. Maybe they don’t talk about it much – but millions would sympathize deeply with what you’re going through. You feel completely alone; yet you are in a vast (silent) majority. For example: a thoughtful, well-read surgeon screamed at his partner through the bathroom door late last night and woke up the children. Right now, a level-headed, nicely dressed IT consultant lives in dread of her partner finding out she’s been having an affair online. A high government official lashed out in rage because his partner forgot to lock the front door before they left for their evening walk.

3. Your worst thoughts are only thoughts. The feeling that you wouldn’t mind if your partner were to leave you soon, painlessly allowing you to start again with someone from your own background, doesn’t make you a monster: it’s a very common thought that passes through the minds of sane and reasonable people. It doesn’t mean you wish your partner any harm. Ask yourself, what is really happening?

4. No-one really understands anyone else. The fact that your partner doesn’t get you in significant ways, perhaps due to racial differences, is entirely unavoidable.

5. It’s not strange if you would like to have an affair. It’s so reasonable and natural to want to when you’re not happy, especially if you feel misunderstood due to racial gaps. It would be wonderful to be wanted, to be held and loved and properly appreciated in bed by someone who shares your racial background. But an affair wouldn’t solve the underlying issues, just bury the ones you aren’t dealing with.

6. Your heightened or heightening feeling of despair will probably pass. Your anguish is very real at this moment and won’t go away with a magic wand, a new prescription or a new job. The unique challenges of an interracial relationship may intensify these feelings, but they often subside with time and effort.

You might agree all of this is good info to consider and maybe to send to your partner. But thinking about it is one thing. Joining each other to move beyond the crisis is a whole other matter that requires a different mindset with a new set of relational principles. Are you ready to challenge the underlying forces that created the crisis to begin with, including any racial misunderstandings? If your relationship is going to change, it will change because you both stepped up to change it.

Consider seeking support for your relationship through Interracial Relationships Collaborative. We provide tools to navigate racial differences and strengthen your bond. Remember, every long-term relationship faces hurdles, but interracial couples have unique strengths too—embrace the richness of your diverse backgrounds as you grow together.

Blessings on your relational journey,

Yael & Paula