Navigating Inequality’s Shadow in Marriage: Our Journey Towards Racial Healing
November 2, 2023
When Love Hurts: Finding Strength in Your Interracial Relationship
October 13, 2024
“This is our time!” my wife Paula said to me with excitement lighting up her face as we watched Doug Emhoff introduce his wife, Kamala Harris, as the new Democratic presidential candidate. It was as if we were seeing our love, joy, and dignity as an interracial couple reflected back at us from the big screen and we were moved almost to tears. “This is our time to shine!”
As we embrace the arduous work of honoring and celebrating our differences, we become living examples of healing in a world scarred by the social conditioning of racism. We demonstrate that curiosity about culturally-related, nuanced ideas, meanings, and feelings—and the willingness to talk openly about them—leads to profound growth, not loss. We prove that adopting cultural humility by getting real about our differences is the very foundation of our joy, strength, and staying power.
Not long before, we had also seen President Biden use his white privilege and power to open the door for Vice President Harris (and leave it open), withdrawing from the 2024 presidential race on July 21st and throwing his full support and the entire machine and money of his campaign behind her. That day began a surge of enthusiasm for Vice President Harris in a steady stream of Democratic Party endorsements.
Facing the Challenges of Race in Interracial Relationships
As an interracial couple, Paula and I are intentional about discussing the invisible wounds of racism and privilege, and we are always learning how to navigate the dynamics they create in a system that uplifts people who look like me and demeans, ignores, and pushes down people who look like her.
The other day, I received a call from the Black partner of an interracial couple. She was inquiring about couple’s therapy and told me the following:
“My partner doesn’t want to talk about race.
He says we have bigger issues to deal with first.
He shuts me down when I try to tell him it’s all part of the bigger issues.
He gets so defensive it drives me crazy.”
Well, I can relate. I too believed that Paula and I had bigger issues than race to deal with at the beginning of our relationship. We had both experienced horrific trauma and attachment injuries in our childhoods and were just beginning to understand the impact of those injuries on our relationship.
The couples therapy we sought out taught us that we were each bringing our old childhood ways of coping and protective mechanisms into our adult relationship and that we had to learn new ways of being in a relationship with each other. What we learned in our families about relationships kept us re-wounding and triggering each other—daily.
Yet, I grew up bombarded with negative images and stories of Black people as dangerous or inferior, hypersensitive, and easily angered, and Paula grew up with messages about the untrustworthiness of white people, needing to work twice as hard to be taken seriously and the importance of presenting a certain way in public to avoid white judgment and/or violence.
Although we were learning new skills about how to have a healthier relationship — we never talked with each other about race. White privilege and whiteness are only invisible to those who have it. As such, not addressing social power and dynamics around race limited our connection and communication.
Some days, it looked like we were getting along, but we merely accommodated each other to mask our discontent and avoid conflict. It wasn’t until we started talking explicitly about racial assaults, racial trauma, racism, and privilege that we could see all the ways these dynamics were woven into the fabric of our daily lives and interactions.
Owning Privilege and Building Trust in Interracial Relationships
Vice President Kamala Harris and Doug Emhoff know how differently the general public receives them because of race. They understand that she will continue to be questioned at every turn because of her skin color, her every word and action scrutinized, her very personhood held with suspicion and sometimes derision. They know that racist, mediocre individuals will try to paint her as incompetent, unqualified, and a “DEI hire.”
They also understand that, as a heterosexual cis-gendered white man, he will continue to be given the benefit of the doubt, assumed to belong and to have earned his place wherever he goes, and freely given advantages that she has to painstakingly earn. If they didn’t both understand these differences, they would not be able to support each other in the ways they do, and their marriage would not last.
For white partners in interracial relationships, this means being brave enough to own our privilege and our biases, the lies we are taught about People of Color—especially about Black people—learning and speaking the truth about the messages we received as we grew up as well as learning to use our privilege to support and open doors (and leave them open) for our partner.
For Black partners, this means having the courage to explore internalized working models of interpersonal fairness and responsiveness and learning to trust their white partner. All of which takes patience and grace.
Interracial couples, this is our time. When we learn how to honor and celebrate each other’s differences, we model what healing can look like for a world deeply wounded by racism. We show that no one loses when we stand side-by-side, hand-in-hand, heart-to-heart. We show that honoring our differences creates joy, strength, and resilience.
If you’re in an interracial relationship and want to deepen your understanding and connection, we welcome you to join our upcoming workshop, “Getting the Love You Want,” designed specifically for interracial couples. In our transformative weekend retreat, we’ll help you and your partner:
- Learn effective communication strategies around sensitive topics
- Connect with other interracial couples in a safe, supportive environment
- Gain tools to strengthen your bond and celebrate your unique partnership
- Discover how to support each other through societal challenges
- Explore the impact of race and privilege in your relationship
In this pivotal moment in history, interracial couples like us are reminded that we’re not just navigating our own relationships, but also modeling healing in a racially divided world. Learn how to embrace your differences and strengthen your bond with the power of culture-related communication.
Are you in an interracial relationship and want to deepen your understanding and connection? Join us for our upcoming workshop, “Getting the Love You Want,” designed specifically for interracial couples.
In this transformative weekend retreat, you’ll:
- Learn effective communication strategies around sensitive topics
- Connect with other interracial couples in a safe, supportive environment
- Gain tools to strengthen your bond and celebrate your unique partnership
- Discover how to support each other through societal challenges
- Explore the impact of race and privilege in your relationship
Date: November 9-10, 2024
Location: 1005 Main Street, Suite 1208, Pawtucket, RI 02860
Cost: $800 per couple (includes manuals and light snacks)
