People Heal When They Feel Seen and Heard

My partner and I are aware that racism is systemic. Racism is a social and structural force that privileges whites over Blacks and people of color. As an interracial married couple, we realize that privilege and oppression are always factors in our marriage and our lives. This cultural elevation of white identity and the parallel devaluing of Black folks and folks of color have led to internalized superiority for whites and internalized inferiority for Blacks.

Systemic racism and racial polarization are dangerous forces to civilization and our existence. Internalized superiority and internalized inferiority have resulted in white people overestimating their human value (unencumbered by race) and Blacks and folks of color underestimating their worth (based on race). As a result, white folks can become destructively entitled and takers, while people of color can experience a pervasive sense of shame, failure, and loss of hope.

How To Have Racial Discussions With Your Partner

Using a powerful tool to discuss racial issues in relationships is essential.  One such tool is the Imago Intentional Dialogue, a three-step structured communication process that helped us create an emotionally safe space.

The structure of the Imago Dialogue allows us to express our experiences without blaming or criticizing each other, which is crucial when talking about how racism lives in each of us.

When we are in Dialogue, we commit to approaching our conversations with a mindset of curiosity, legitimizing, and giving equal validity to both our realities. There is no room for defending, playing victim, denying, or comparing suffering. These subjective experiences hold their own, different, embodied, and often painful truths.

You will become committed to listening to each other with curiosity, putting aside your own internal reactivity, and racialized stories about each other. This kind of listening allows us to let go of reflexive defensiveness, denial or minimization, reactive anger/rage, accumulative oppression, self-victimization, and much more.

When practiced regularly, you’ll be able to become fully present with your partner to validate each other’s points of view and legitimate experiences.

Using sentence stems to have a Racial Dialogue will help you become more conscious of the racialized stories that sometimes block intimacy and heal racial pain and even racial trauma:

• One racial story/belief that blocks me from being more intimate with you is …
• How this story/belief fuels the way I show up with you is …

• And then I react by …

• Where I learned this story is …

• How this belief is similar to or different from what I learned in childhood is …
• As I say this out loud, what I am feeling is …
• What sometimes makes it difficult to talk about my racial concerns/struggles/pain with you is …
• The physical sensations that I am experiencing as I say this is …
• How I imagine all of this might impact you is …
• How I imagine all of this might impact our relationship is …
• A new way I could show up when I experience racial distress or discomfort with you is ..
• One way you can help me show up in this new way is …
• How I imagine this could change our dynamic and deepen our intimacy is …
• How I feel about what I am discovering about you is … and about myself is …
• One thing I appreciate/celebrate about you is …
• One thing I appreciate/celebrate about us is …

Using this as a daily practice in your relationship will hold the intention of creating emotional safety for each other to allow discovery and unfolding of truths. This will lay the groundwork for your deepest racial wounds to surface and ultimately heal together in your relationship.