I’m Curious: Two Words That Open Worlds

When we’re trapped in righteous certainty, wielding evidence like weapons, real conversation dies. I’ve been there – armed with Google searches and social media posts, certain of my rightness, deaf to other perspectives. 

I’m remembering a fight Paula and I had when we first moved into our current neighborhood, where Paula is one of the only Black people. The argument began with her expressing her anger about how I put the recycling out in front of the house. It was a mess, with the lid of the recycling bin unable to close and broken-down boxes from our move spilling out and landing next to the bin. 

To me, it was a simple matter of household organization – some scattered boxes, a bin with an uncooperative lid. I became defensive, ready to explain why it really wasn’t a big deal. My perspective felt so obviously correct that I couldn’t imagine what could possibly be beneath Paula’s reaction!

But curiosity has a way of cracking open those seemingly sealed narratives. When I finally stopped defending and started listening, truly listening, an entire world unfolded.

The secret? Two simple words: “I’m curious.”

This phrase opens doors rather than builds walls. It carries no judgment, no hidden agenda, no right or wrong answers. It simply signals: “I want to understand your story.”

In visiting Paula’s world, I began to understand at a visceral level the fear she had of being seen as unworthy and not belonging based on the color of her skin, her fear of being viewed as bringing down the value of the neighborhood with her very presence there. I heard her childhood memories of adults warning her to “look good” and be “put together” in public, where there was a possibility of being judged by white folks and the danger she might encounter if she let down her guard. I heard stories of white people who gave her suspicious looks or stopped her as she walked in a primarily white neighborhood, questioning whether or not she had the right to be there.

Pure curiosity assumes everyone has something valuable to share, that there are rich narratives hidden by our judgments. A single genuine question can reveal entire worlds of experience we might have missed in our certainty. What started as an argument about recycling bins became a profound journey into the lived experience of navigating race, perception, and survival in a predominantly white space.

Where might your next “I’m curious” lead you? For me, it transformed a potentially destructive argument and long-term disconnection into a moment of deep understanding, reminding me that empathy is far more powerful than being right.

In a world that often feels divided, curiosity is a revolutionary act. It requires courage to set down our weapons of righteous certainty and open ourselves to truly hearing another’s experience. But when we do, we discover something remarkable: understanding is far more satisfying than winning.

Do you want to dive deeper into the transformative power of curiosity? Join us this Valentine’s weekend, February 15-16th, 2025, for our couples workshop, Getting the Love You Want. We’ll explore how curiosity can revolutionize your relationship, turning potential conflicts into moments of profound connection. Learn practical tools to move from defensiveness to understanding, to truly hear and be heard. This is an invitation to reimagine intimacy through the radical act of genuine curiosity.

Where might your next moment of genuine curiosity lead you? What walls might crumble, what connections might emerge, if you approach your next challenging conversation with pure, compassionate curiosity?

With gratitude,

Yael & Paula